because everything hangs on this
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 it's all about you
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you you you you
When I go over I would be with you, stay in your apartment. The bed would be next to the window with no curtains at all, and the sheets would be white. There will be an immense chalkboard of a wall for us to doodle lovenotes and thoughts and to-do lists and everything would never be erased, creating a broad spectrum, a harmonious chaos of sorts. The kitchen would have an island top-table, open aired kitchen and my grand piano would be there in the living room with a plasma television coupled with comfy seats. The study room would have our iMacs and everything in between. When you return home from work and I from school and vice versa I would be waiting for you and when I am making pancakes halfway you would come behind me and put your hands around my waist, telling me how much you love me and how much you like how I smelt. I would take you by the tie and push you against the wall and kiss you with such a passion because I of the never-ending love I have for you and you would take me and push me on the kitchen top and touch me everywhere because you liked to see how much pleasure that my eyes could contain for you you know it's all for you and I just want to hold you close to me and everything and I want to whisper in your ear ich liebe dich forever and we could finally have skin to skin and bare hearts to bare hearts and synapse to synapse and you can finally feel me and how I feel for you, and you would just know that you are finally in love with someone and I would know how it is like to love you.

I want to experience that with you, and this will be in Berlin
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and his favourite colour was purple three years ago
i was bullied
i was teased in school because of my complexion
i was taking medicine for my kidneys then, and that was one side effect of it
everyone didn't want to talk to me
i had to wear concealer every day to school which made it even worse
i didn't even want to face the entire school as i read out the announcements

i could see your face in the crowd every morning
smiling at me, giving me the thumbs up as i looked up
you were so happy, your grin made your entire day worthwhile

as you walked by me to go to class you hugged me even though you weren't supposed to
even though your friends tease you for being with an ugly girl
even though you were someone everyone liked

there was this terrible day
you rushed all the way to my class when you heard i failed math
and walked in and hugged me 
you didn't care that many people were staring

the willow tree, how could i forget?
you had something to cheer me up with
we stood under it, you pulled the branches
raindrops fell and covered us both
you promised you would make me happy
what i'd give to go back to that day

but where did your promise go?

it's not easy for me, mr yap wee kiat
it's been three years
i have gotten over you but i have not gotten over us
and i believe that you're happy

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best policy
 I want this to be a place that I can finally be honest about many things.
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J
Immature or not, you were everything that I wanted 
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nice
 Sometimes, being nice doesn't pay the bills.
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 I want to leave.
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fantasies
I enjoy listening to J Rock, Visual Kei and the like.
I think it really allows me to take a break from reality for a while~

Honestly I think I am delusional.
Whenever I listen to such songs, I dream of being like them, rocking out on stage to hordes of screaming fans.
It's not about the fans, it's about my love for J-Rock and how it sounds. Complex melodies with equally complex lyrics... but they totally make sense.

I wonder, if I could form a J-Rock band?
I want to, but I would have to learn the language first 
Oh well~
Ganbaremasu, Naomi...

I think I am spouting nonsense because Gackt is repeating himself in my brain~

:)
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premonition
Ever since I was 13, I have always known that the cause of my death would be suicide.

I have no idea when this premonition, or self fulfilling prophecy came about. It must be from the time that I was at the lowest point of my life.

The first time that I had these sort of thoughts was when I was Secondary Two. I remember staring out of my window, after a massive fight with my father. It wasn't one of those typical father-daughter spats. It was a full-blown one, with insults thrown at me.

I replayed those insults in my head as I stared out. "Am I truly a failure? Am I destined to fail in my life?" 

The urge to jump seemed tempting.

I imagined myself leaping from the window, the rush of wind against my face, the temporary pain that would set me free from the even harder pain of the insults that was directed at me.

And hence, I knew that someday, if I really feel overwhelmed and I cannot do anything anymore, this would be my form of escape.
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eye of the beholder
Can I please not be your definition of pretty and for once, be in my own definitions instead?
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